Hi inbetween,
your story is quite the same as mine. I just was not born in, I joined on my own...
I very much understand your state of mind ... it took me over 6 years to get to the point where I am today ... I went through hell in these 6 years ... beacouse of fear and guilt... Today my position is clear: I do not consider myself as a JW, but due to the family do not want to DA or be DF. Today my wife knows evrything, she accepted it and is OK.
I have no problem with JWs, still have some friends in... but knowing they might shun me one day, I stared making new friends and starting new relationships... BTW, you wouldnt believe how many good and nice people are "out there"...
I joined JWs 18 years ago in search of the "Truth" and after several years found myself stucked in a destructive mindcontroling sect. For years in service I was reasoning with people: If you realize you follow wrong map and go in a wrong direction, would you.... (You know the picture in Live Forever book...) So now I should make the same mistake?
My point:
I dont care if Jesus died on a stake or on the cross, I dont care about what Holy spirit really is, (If that was really importatnt, Bible would be more specific about that....) BUT BLOOD??? It is about life or death... Hell, will you really teach your kids to tell doctors in the hospital they want rather die if you yourself know its a lie? Does your conscience allows you teach this your kids? Or when this comes, you will tell them "sweetheart dont do it, I myself dont believe it, I was lying to you all the time...."
Does your conscience allows you to teach this (blood) people in service and put them in danger? You cannot take this doctrine away, if you recruit somebody to JW, they will have to accept it one day... If somebody you recruited will in the future die becouse of blood ... how will you cope with that?
My decision (after years of menatal and spiritual strugling) is NO, thats not for me. I started fading, became inactive, and rather risk being DF, but I cannot teach others something I dont believe.
Welcome here!
Albert